I was never a keeper of stories.
a good friend, or honest sister.
lips dry and heart numb, I can barely remember the hymns.
but what I do have is this- light and textures.
and a faith in a god who creates them; wonderfully so.
and when the light lifts and dips just so, I see a small glimpse of a life larger than this.
these walls.
these hands.
these dried out complaints that I gave up yesteryears.
textures & lights seem to be the only church I'm willing to sit in, these days.
in 2011, Tyler and I felt strongly that it would be a year of foundations. We didn't realize what that meant at the time. We pictured strengthening our values, our goals. Getting physically in shape and creating a system- a foundation- to progress.
What really happened was all the foundations we had slowly built up to that point in our lives -or were laid for us- were about to crumble away. And I certainly mean everything. Moral, spiritual, emotional, career, financial, relationship beliefs and goals were chipped away- sometimes in large chunks that left breathless and stunned. We both felt it was the hardest year of our life- undoing everything with shaking fingers- long nights on the couch talking out what we were chewing over- screaming, sobbing, ignoring, and so much anger as we reshaped the clay of who we were and where we were going.
These past few months, here in 2012, have been quiet although there have been a few aftershocks while we tried to slip back into old habits.
As our previous foundations rolled away, we thought we'd build up again with a new set of standards, tools and lessons. But here we are, feet firm on the cold earth, with no idea what we're doing- and I literally feel the swell and pull of god taking in a deep breath of relief. "Finally, you're here."
I don't think we'll be building a new foundation anymore.
the ground moans and shifts and ripples out, changing form by daylight to night. Who knew?
this is where I need to be.
I'm happy to be in this place- even if no one around us undestands our choices.
...or lack of choices. Security and foundations can look mighty fine for some other folks.
but,
the texture and light here are the most sincere prayer I can offer.
and for once, I know it is enough just to notice and delight.
yeah, I'm here. Cold earth beneath my feet, I'm here.
