
I’m in a weird place.
And let me clarify, that ‘place’ is freaking awesome. Joyful even.
life is such a crazy and beautiful adventure, it’s a shame we wrap ourselves cozy
with so much doubt and fear all the time. I wonder what I could get done if I
was living out life joyfully instead of living out worried drenched moments, one
after another?
To be honest, these past few months have scared the living crap out of me. Living out joy was hard- and I failed miserably most days.
You see-
I’ve played the piano for the past twenty years. I’ve taught off and on for the past ten. And this blend of numbness and cluster headaches has taken the ability to pluck of my favorite tunes from me. And it scares. The. Crap. Out. Of. Me. So much so that I pretty much stayed in bed for two weeks straight. No showers. No teeth brushing. Lots of tears. Lots of snot. And countless prayers that consisted almost entirely of swear words. It wasn’t just about the seeing my favorite hobby, outlet and creation slip from me. It was about losing my ability to function. Remember my plate throwing action when it all started? That was intentional. The countless cups, mugs, and bowls since then have been from my inability to hold on to anything. This numbness makes me feel like I’m giving up my humanity card.
All we are certain about is that I’m dealing with a neurological disease. 6 doctors said we’re looking at MS, but when the neurologist asked me to come in for a few tests, we put on the breaks. No. I don’t need to ‘name’ this. And I don’t need to medicate myself to maintain what you claim is incurable. What I need is to get back to basics and address the underlining fear I’ve got going on here.
And what is that fear?
I sell, preach, coach holistic living…and I am struggling with the second
disease of my life. How do I have any validity in anything I say?
So this is the coat I’ve been wearing tightly. Thick fur keeping me closed and sweatin under the sun. Keeping me from living out a joyful life. I feel like I keep pulling up the covers- layers and layers of doubt, fear and shame. But it doesn’t serve me anymore. It’s time to shed, streak, and yes…shave my legs because dang, I can barely notice a difference between my leg and the husband’s.
Being naked and opening up again is a weird place. But
goodness, joy is always a better answer than bitterness, don’t you think?
I’m starting with self affirmations:
Laura Emily? You may not be able to play the piano right now, but dang, you
make a freaking awesome pie. And yes, you can’t taste it, and yes, you burned
your hand on the pan several times and cut your finger when the knife slipped-
but heck woman, that pie looked awesome. Joyfully delicious.
What does your life look like when you drop the doubt, shame and fear?